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YOU ARE KIND AND GENEROUS most of the time.
But occasionally you judge, label and disapprove of people —
sometimes silently in your mind, sometimes aloud, sometimes for
significant reasons, sometimes for petty reasons. Judging people
causes an underlying resentment that puts you in a bad mood and
makes you tired. And it strains your relationships with people.
The stresses from different sources in your life accumulate,
and this is a source you can do without.
And no matter how you do it or what the
circumstances, when you pass judgement on someone, you are very
likely making an error — usually committing at least one
of these three forms of what cognitive scientists call distorted
thinking:
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1. Jumping to conclusions. We rarely
know the motives or full story behind the actions a person takes,
and yet we come to conclusions quickly and easily that “he’s
a jerk” or “she’s a fool” or “how rude”
or “what a freak.” We condemn people far too easily.
2. Overgeneralization. A judgment
normally involves summing up a complex human being in simple
terms based on a few or even one instance. That’s poor science
and faulty thinking.
3. Overconfidence in one’s own
assessment. You don’t really know why other people do
things. And yet you hold your judgments with excessive confidence.
We all do it. Overconfidence in our conclusions is a fallibility
of human nature.
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THESE THOUGHT MISTAKES can be corrected
with practice. The technique is simple: Pay attention to your
assessments of other people, and then question and criticize
your judgments. Are you jumping to conclusions? Are you overgeneralizing?
Do you have enough knowledge to be able to make such an assessment?
Think about it rationally. Maybe you’re
being too hasty. Maybe you’re being unnecessarily harsh.
Haven’t you yourself done something similar? Sure you have.
But there were extenuating circumstances that at least
partially excused you, weren’t there? Maybe this person
has reasons too, but you don’t know about them. It’s
not only possible, it’s very likely.
Question your judgments and you’ll
find that many of them aren’t worth much, and you’ll
stop holding them.
And what will happen? You’ll feel
less stress. You’ll find your relationships gently blossoming
in a new way. You’ll be able to talk to the person more
freely. You’ll be more relaxed. Conflicts will be easier
to resolve because you’ll be able to communicate without
anger (no judgement, no anger) and without making the other person
defensive (when you’re not judging, people don’t feel
attacked, so they don’t get defensive). And in the long
run, less stress, anger, and frustration adds up to better health
too.
Once you start paying attention to it,
you may find out you’re in the habit of judging people a
lot. Does this make you bad and wrong? No. Only human. Judging
yourself is faulty thinking too.
Question and criticize
your negative judgements of people.
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