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IT OFTEN HELPS A FRIEND TO listen to him
talk when he's having troubles. But being the listener isn't
easy, and as you know, not everything you say or do to help a
person really helps. Brant Burleson, a researcher at Purdue University,
set up some experiments to find out just what does work, and
what doesn't. What he discovered may surprise you, because the
most helpful things are the easiest things.
You don't have to offer advice. In fact,
you probably shouldn't, according to Burleson's studies. When
someone is unloading his troubles, most of the things we most
naturally want to do to help him will not help him. For example,
it doesn't help much to tell your friend about similar troubles
you've had, or to try to help him look on the bright side, or
to try to change the subject. What actually helps the listener
is surprisingly simple and easy:
Encourage your friend to describe
his trouble in great detail.
And make sure you include, as part of that detail, descriptions
of your friend's feelings.
That's it. Most people can pretty much
figure out what they ought to do once they think about it a little
bit, and that's exactly what you're allowing them to do: Think.
By not giving your friend advice or trying to help her see the
silver lining, by not cluttering her mind with your own similar
experiences, and by getting her to describe her feelings and
the problem in detail, you're allowing her to clarify the situation
for herself.
It's easier to think by speaking aloud
than it is to try to think to yourself, especially when you're
upset, but that's true only if the listener is allowing you
to speak freely.
Get your friend to describe his problem
and his feelings in detail. Although it may seem you're hardly
doing anything, you're allowing him to do what he needs most
when times are tough: To confide in a friend.
Encourage your friend to describe
his trouble
in great detail. |
