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I USED TO THINK IT WAS healthy to express
anger and unhealthy to hold it in, so I said what was on my mind
when I was angry. Of course, I hurt people’s feelings —
unnecessarily.
Anger can be a dangerous and destructive
emotion. Although you can’t eliminate the emotion from your
life, the way you respond to it can make it less dangerous and
more constructive.
Research has shown that expressing anger
only makes you angrier. But that doesn’t mean we should
avoid saying anything about what makes us angry. It’s just
that we should avoid saying it while we’re angry.
It doesn’t do much good anyway: The person listening to
you only sees and hears your anger and puts up her defenses right
away. Nothing gets through. And she gets a very bad impression
of you.
But you need to say something. So follow
these two rules and you’ll do yourself and other people
a big favor:
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1. Make it your personal policy not
to say much or decide anything while you’re angry. Leave
it alone, go on about your business, and the intensity will subside.
Then think about what you need to do or say or decide.
If you’ve calmed down and decided to talk to someone but
find you can’t seem to say it without getting angry again,
write it in a letter.
2. Say what you want, not what you don’t
want. Say your complaints in the form of requests. Instead
of “You never do such and such,” say “Would you
please do such and such?” It’s easier to hear. It’s
more likely to cause the effect you want. Say clearly what you
want and why you want it.
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USUALLY YOU’RE ANGRY because you want
someone to change — to do something different than what
they’re doing. That’s perfectly legitimate. What you
want is to have an impact on the other, which, according
to the research, is what will really and truly clear up your
anger. Not venting, but not remaining silent either.
Those two steps will help you effectively
cause change in other people while reducing the amount of anger
you experience over time. Even when you make a request and someone
says no, you’ll feel better. At least now they know what
you want. You’ve said it. It’s off your chest.
This is a good way to increase others’
respect for you while also making things go the way you want
more often. Turn complaints into requests and make those requests
when you are calm.
Don’t say much when you’re angry.
When you complain, say what you want,
not what you don’t want.
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