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BRANT BURLESON, a researcher at Purdue
University, says the scientific evidence is strong that if your
mate is upset, and you are listening to her ineptly:
1. it can make her feel worse
2. it can make her more upset
3. it can inhibit her ability to effectively
solve her problem
4. it can encourage an unhealthy dependence
on the listener
5. it can raise her level of stress
6. it can make your relationship less stable
7. it can make her less satisfied with
your relationship
8. and it might even be bad for her health
Whether or not you are a competent listener
has real consequences. Being able to listen well when
your mate is having troubles may be the most helpful thing you
can learn to do for her. It helps her become calmer and happier
and helps her handle her problems better.
Research shows most people who try to listen
fail to do it well. People with good intentions, people who want
to help their friends and mates don't know how to do it, and
their friends and mates are not helped and can actually be harmed
by their incompetence. Good intentions are not enough. A person
having troubles and talking to the average listener won't walk
away better off and that's a shame. A good opportunity has been
missed because of a lack of know-how. An opportunity to make
the world a better place and truly help someone in need has been
missed by ineptitude.
Lucky for your mate, the knowledge you
are about to discover (when you read this article) will allow you to seize those
opportunities. You will be able to translate your desire to help
into effective listening that produces real benefits for your
mate and friends. And for that, I salute you!
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