Set up events.
a. Much of the work of getting closer with
people is setting up events: Time to spend together. If you want
to become closer to someone, the first and most basic step is
to increase the amount of time you spend communicating with them.
b. Set and setting. To get closer, create
circumstances and states of mind conducive to opening up to each
c. Think beforehand about what you want
to share and what you want to learn about them
2. INTENTION: Stay
clear on your intention to cultivate closeness.
a. your intention is not to manipulate
them or to convince them or persuade them
b. your intention is not "being right"
c. you aren't trying to be liked
d. you will slip into these intentions;
when you do, remind yourself of your intention to simply increase
Keep returning to feelings. Focus on feelings yours and
a. the central core of closeness is what
the other feels and what you feel
Listen well. Help the other open up to you.
a. make it safe for them
1) don't make them wrong
2) don't get self-righteous (if you do,
catch yourself, remind yourself of your intention to cultivate
closeness and admit your mistake openly and apologize)
b. ask questions out of curiosity and love
and without a sense of interrogation
c. really listen
1) without judgment
2) letting them say whatever they want
3) letting them feel whatever they feel
4) letting them finish without interrupting
5) really trying to be there paying attention
and being interested and caring and trying to get what they're
6) letting them really be heard and understood
as completely as possible
7) not trying to seem interested, but truly
taking an interest
Share yourself openly.
a. talk about what's happening in your
life and your feelings about it
b. express your feelings honestly, but
with consideration for their feelings
c. telling about your hopes and plans
d. don't try to impress or hide things
from them; be open
e. admit your mistakes and apologize