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DOES SOMEONE'S NEGATIVE attitude ruin your
mood often? You can do something about it but it may not be what
you think. Let's look at an example and see how it works.
John’s wife sometimes gets grumpy,
and her bad mood makes him unhappy. He thinks she shouldn't be
in a bad mood so often. She “allows herself” to be
irritated by things that are really no big deal.
A few times John has been angry enough
to tell Darleen to quit being such a negative person, but it
didn’t go well. What can he do? How can John change Darleen’s
attitude? If he did, John is sure he would be happier.
This is a fairly common situation, but
there is an inherent flaw in the whole thing. Something is happening
that puts Darleen in a bad mood. Darleen’s bad mood puts
John in a bad mood. John would like Darleen to change so he is
not in a bad mood. Darleen would like the circumstances to change
so she isn’t in a bad mood.
In other words, John is doing exactly what
Darleen is doing, and then he is self-righteously condemning
her for what they are both doing.
If John can’t get himself into a better
mood regardless of what Darleen is doing, what right does he
have to ask Darleen to do so? And if John can get himself
into a good mood regardless of what Darleen is doing, he no longer
needs Darleen to change her mood to suit him. Either way,
if you find yourself in the same position as John, you need only
to focus on one thing: Improve your own mood regardless of what
the other person is doing.
If you can do that, you won’t need
to change the other person. At that point, however, you would
be in a position to help the other person by telling her what
you’ve done that works. And your showing and telling wouldn’t
be done in self-righteous anger or impatience. It would only
be done out of caring because you no longer need her to change.
You no longer have any urgency or a demanding demeanor. That
will make your suggestions much easier to accept.
And you’re in a position where whether
she accepts your help or not, you’re okay either way because
you know how to improve your own mood regardless of what
she does.
Below are some links to articles on techniques
for improving your mood that do not rely on anyone else’s
cooperation.
everything goes better with relaxation
Social gatherings, family crises,
work, conversations with your children, play, sex, and on and
on. Everything goes better with relaxation. Learn a simple
way to gain a deep sense of psychological and physical relaxation.
the
edge
Change your state of mind quickly and reliably.
feel good more
often
Seven simple techniques that will make you feel better right
away, and seven more that will make you feel good more often
in the long run.
think action
How to feel good more often
by changing where you put your focus.
the
most powerful way to talk to yourself
Discover the most powerful way to talk to yourself.
make
fun of yourself profoundly
A technique to release yourself from your own pettiness and greed.
no
reason
How to solve problems and feel better by thinking better.
explanations
A conversation on dealing with your own anger effectively.
wrathful
condemnation
Reduce how much you judge and condemn others.
self-coaching
Behold the power of self-coaching. Learn why self-coaching
works so well (and how to do it).
lower stress with
a smell
Quite a few studies show that
what you are smelling right now has a significant, measurable
effect on your mood.
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